Fear not! Johannah the Smite Priest is going to equip you with the best comeback for any heal-fail occasion. Here are thirty different comebacks for healers that find themselves in these situations, for stress relief reading if nothing else.

“I didn’t get heals!”

Response:

1. “That tends to happen when you try to mage tank something besides Gruul.”
2. “Sorry, I was AFK looking at penguin porn.”
3. “Next time you’ll scream ‘Heal [Name]‘ instead of ‘Heal me.’”
4. “I’m confident enough in my healing abilities to know that you pushed a fail button.”
5. “Don’t stand in colored shit.”
6. “You frightened me when you screamed ‘Heal me’ in vent.”
7. “Tends to happen when you let me tank [mobs / adds] the whole fight.”
8. “And I didn’t get biscuits. What’s the problem?”
9. “Funny thing that blue fire doesn’t heal you.”
10. “Let me find the link for the Heals Flochart for you…”
11. “Your mom didn’t get heals either.”
12. “Hit F to see the tank’s target next time. There’s a reason it’s that letter.”
13. “At least you scored A+ on dying?”
14. “Yes you did. Then I figured out you weren’t the tank.”
15. “I was petting my cat.”
16. “The tank told me not to heal you.”
17. “WTF. L2B indestructible!”
18. “My bad. I was too busy inspecting your marvelous gear.”
19. “THAT’S A 50 DKP MINUS.”
20. “That’s because [name of member that randomly flew out of range] pulled a crapload of whelps and I screamed like a girl.”
21. “I’m [spec], I can’t heal.” (There’s a lot of debate about this one, and it happens often. See forum post.)
22. “Maybe if you lived more than half a second…”
23. “I couldn’t find my Heal-While-Stunned button. Whoops!”
24. “I have a healing priority. You should really be nicer to me.” (This one riles people up even though I actually just mash half-empty boxes; I memorize where tanks are on Grid and that’s about it! Well. Most of the time.)
25. “Golden Rule: If a tank dies, it’s the healer’s fault. If the healer dies, it’s the tank’s fault. If the DPS dies, it’s their own damned fault.” (This makes a /chuckle macro for PUGs, even though it’s not always true…)
26. “It was either you or me.”
27. “I’m sensing a pattern.”
28. “El-oh-ess.”
29. “I had a keyboard aneurysm.”
30. “Remember that time you rolled on my dungeon set pants for your boomkin…”

What is your favorite “I didn’t get heals!” comeback?