Or maybe you’re not an agitated healer. Most of us are fed up at some point though and have had about enough of 80 levels of whiners telling you they didn’t get healed before they dropped for reasons rather obvious to you. You wish you could take these players and throw them into your chair for a second to see how ridiculous they look from your end.

Fear not! Johannah the Smite Priest is going to equip you with the best comeback for any heal-fail occasion. Here are thirty different comebacks for healers that find themselves in these situations, for stress relief reading if nothing else.

“I didn’t get heals!”

Response:

1. “That tends to happen when you try to mage tank something besides Gruul.”
2. “Sorry, I was AFK looking at penguin porn.”
3. “Next time you’ll scream ‘Heal [Name]‘ instead of ‘Heal me.’”
4. “I’m confident enough in my healing abilities to know that you pushed a fail button.”
5. “Don’t stand in colored shit.”
6. “You frightened me when you screamed ‘Heal me’ in vent.”
7. “Tends to happen when you let me tank [mobs / adds] the whole fight.”
8. “And I didn’t get biscuits. What’s the problem?”
9. “Funny thing that blue fire doesn’t heal you.”
10. “Let me find the link for the Heals Flochart for you…”
11. “Your mom didn’t get heals either.”
12. “Hit F to see the tank’s target next time. There’s a reason it’s that letter.”
13. “At least you scored A+ on dying?”
14. “Yes you did. Then I figured out you weren’t the tank.”
15. “I was petting my cat.”
16. “The tank told me not to heal you.”
17. “WTF. L2B indestructible!”
18. “My bad. I was too busy inspecting your marvelous gear.”
19. “THAT’S A 50 DKP MINUS.”
20. “That’s because [name of member that randomly flew out of range] pulled a crapload of whelps and I screamed like a girl.”
21. “I’m [spec], I can’t heal.” (There’s a lot of debate about this one, and it happens often. See forum post.)
22. “Maybe if you lived more than half a second…”
23. “I couldn’t find my Heal-While-Stunned button. Whoops!”
24. “I have a healing priority. You should really be nicer to me.” (This one riles people up even though I actually just mash half-empty boxes; I memorize where tanks are on Grid and that’s about it! Well. Most of the time.)
25. “Golden Rule: If a tank dies, it’s the healer’s fault. If the healer dies, it’s the tank’s fault. If the DPS dies, it’s their own damned fault.” (This makes a /chuckle macro for PUGs, even though it’s not always true…)
26. “It was either you or me.”
27. “I’m sensing a pattern.”
28. “El-oh-ess.”
29. “I had a keyboard aneurysm.”
30. “Remember that time you rolled on my dungeon set pants for your boomkin…”

What is your favorite “I didn’t get heals!” comeback?

Everyone and their mom and dog seem to be farming trash mobs in the ICC 5-man dungeons for their Battered Hilt. And for good reason too; this quest chain will not only get you one of the best weapons in the game (for many classes/specs, the best in slot), it will take you through some amazing lore and epic Azeroth travel.

Rather than write out yet another battered hilt guide, I thought I would point readers in the right direction for Battered Hilt information and how to complete the chain. Before you get started though, let me dispel three myths:

• The Battered Hilt no longer drops off skeletons in Pit of Saron. They fixed that in 12-15-09 to stop people from farming; and thank goodness, I was going insane.
• The Battered Hilt’s droprate is lower in Halls of Reflection. You can wipe and get more trash mobs forever, so it makes sense for them to do this. The change was implemented as of 12-9-09.
• Yes, the Battered Hilt’s droprate was increased.

Alright then! The following are the five best reads on the Internet right now for the Battered Hilt:

1. The ups and downs of the Battered Hilt from WoW.com
2. Battered Hilt: What? from the WoW forums
3. Battered Hilt: Do I have to? from MMOChampion
4. Battered Hilt and Epic Drop Changes from Spooncraft
5. WoWWiki’s Battered Hilt entry

Personally, I got my Battered Hilt right around Christmas (thank you, Santa) and I had to deal with a paladin QQ the whole instance about how he’s a tank and absolutely has to have that weapon. I politely explained I’m one of the main healers for my guild and then clawed at my face for 20 minutes IRL while I ignored the repetitious pleas for my recently won item. In other groups I’ve joined since then, I’ve had people get into similar “I need it more” contests and I just sit back and think how feral we WoW players all are.

And I lol at the people that pay real money for this thing. If you want to blow a ton of gold you’ve saved up on your WoW toon for it, that’s one thing — virtual money buys virtual things — but some of these Craigslist posts are ridiculous. Like this one:

Looking to purchase a battered hilt that you get from the new five man dungeons in world of warcraft, let me know if you have one and are willing to sell it for $35 send me an email and well figure out how to trade it ingame. Thank you. Please no scammers.

First of all: trying to buy WoW items with IRL money is a scam. So asking for no scammers is mind-boggling. Secondly, I know a great steak restaurant you can get dinner at for $35.

What’s your Battered Hilt story? Where have you read about this mythical drop?

Yesterday, Johannah the Smite Priest looked at the five best smite priest loots in 3.3 5-man dungeons; today, I’m going to stay in the realm of the ICC 5-man dungeons but instead change my perspective over to the other Holy tree, priest heals. We’ll look at how these items affect Discipline healing too, though the list admittedly won’t differ.

Note that these items are friendly to healing priests and, as such, will not have any hit rating. Smite and Shadow priests definitely need hit rating, so it’s better to check the previous list for the pews!

1. Chest. Mord’rethar Robes. Devourer of Souls, Forge of Souls. Spirit for Holy — crit rating for Discipline! And it’s not like Discipline shies away from Spirit or Holy loathes crit rating either. Need I say more? This robe is just “wow” without having to blow emblems or go to a raid.
2. Waist. Braid of Salt and Fire. Ick, Pit of Saron. Haste saves lives, and spirit gives mana to save lives. This is a solid belt. There are boots in Pit of Saron too that make the trip more worthwhile: Prelate’s Shoes.
3. Off-hand Frill. The Shriveled Heart. The Captain’s Chest, Halls of Reflection. I listed this yesterday, and I’m listing it again. You’re going to need an off-hand when you get your hilt weapon, and this is simply the best one around without stepping into a raid.
4. Gloves. Suspiciously Soft Gloves. Marwyn, Halls of Reflection. I also listed these yesterday for smite spec, and for the same reason; crit rating and spirit. While Holy priests often don’t rely on crit as much (but, if you read my Lvl 80 Holy Priest Guide, you know I’m a fan of Surge of Light), I still think these are a solid set of gloves and are worthy of your top 5 items to grab for your healing set. These will alternate between Holy and Discipline fairly well.
5. Trinket. Ephemeral Snowflake. Marwyn, Halls of Reflection. Whether you’re a Holy or Discipline priest, this trinket has some uses for you. I’ll explain how it works in my post tomorrow and how you can maximize it’s output; for now, go run Halls of Reflection and try to grab yourself one!

Halls of Reflection is the winner again, but there’s something in all three instances to explore. By the time you get all the smite and healing items, you should have your very own Battered Hilt.